You have noticed a pattern. In relationships, you either pull away when things get too close, or you panic when your partner needs space. You might find yourself overthinking every text, feeling anxious when they do not respond right away, or shutting down emotionally when conflict arises.
Your friends tell you to “just communicate better” or “stop being so needy,” but it does not feel that simple. These reactions feel automatic, like your body takes over before your brain can catch up. You wonder why you keep repeating the same patterns in different relationships.
If you have been searching attachment styles relationships, anxious attachment therapy Colorado, or why I push people away, you are starting to uncover something important. Your attachment style, formed in early childhood, affects how you show up in adult romantic relationships. Understanding it can change everything.
At Better Lives, Building Tribes, we help individuals and couples in Colorado explore their attachment patterns and build more secure, connected relationships. This article explains what attachment styles are, how they affect romantic relationships, and what you can do to create healthier patterns.
What Are Attachment Styles?
Attachment theory, developed by psychologist John Bowlby, describes how our early relationships with caregivers shape how we relate to others throughout our lives. The way you learned to seek comfort, safety, and connection as a child becomes a blueprint for how you approach intimacy as an adult.
There are four main attachment styles:
- Secure attachment: You feel comfortable with intimacy and independence. You trust your partner and can communicate your needs without excessive fear or avoidance.
- Anxious attachment: You crave closeness but worry your partner will leave or stop loving you. You might need frequent reassurance and feel distressed when your partner pulls away.
- Avoidant attachment: You value independence and may feel uncomfortable with too much closeness. You might withdraw when emotions get intense or when a partner expresses needs.
- Fearful-avoidant (or disorganized) attachment: You want intimacy but also fear it. You might move between clinging close and pushing away, often feeling confused about what you actually need.
Most people do not fit perfectly into one category, and attachment styles can shift over time or show up differently in different relationships. But understanding your dominant patterns can help you make sense of your behavior.
How Anxious Attachment Shows Up In Relationships
If you have an anxious attachment style, closeness feels essential but also terrifying. You might:
- Need frequent reassurance that your partner loves you and is not going to leave.
- Overthink small things, like tone of voice or delayed texts, and interpret them as signs of rejection.
- Feel intense anxiety when your partner needs space or seems distant.
- Prioritize the relationship above your own needs, sometimes to the point of losing yourself.
- Struggle with jealousy or fear when your partner spends time with others.
Anxious attachment often forms when caregivers were inconsistent. Sometimes they were available and loving, other times they were not. You learned that love is unpredictable, so you stay hypervigilant, always monitoring for signs of abandonment.
This does not mean you are needy or broken. It means your nervous system learned early that connection is fragile, and now it works hard to keep people close.
How Avoidant Attachment Shows Up In Relationships
If you have an avoidant attachment style, intimacy can feel suffocating. You might:
- Feel uncomfortable when your partner expresses emotional needs or wants to talk about feelings.
- Withdraw when conflict arises or when things get too emotionally intense.
- Prefer to handle problems alone rather than turning to your partner for support.
- Value independence highly and feel trapped when your partner wants more closeness.
- Struggle to express vulnerability or admit when you are struggling.
Avoidant attachment often forms when caregivers were emotionally unavailable, dismissive, or made you feel like your needs were a burden. You learned that relying on others is not safe, so you developed self sufficiency as a survival strategy.
This does not mean you do not care about your partner. It means your nervous system learned early that closeness can be dangerous, and now it protects you by keeping emotional distance.
What Happens When Anxious And Avoidant Styles Collide
One of the most common (and painful) relationship dynamics is the anxious avoidant pairing. The anxious partner craves closeness and reassurance. The avoidant partner needs space and independence. This creates a cycle:
- The anxious partner feels the avoidant partner pulling away and pursues harder for connection.
- The avoidant partner feels overwhelmed by the intensity and withdraws further.
- The anxious partner interprets the withdrawal as rejection and becomes more distressed.
- The avoidant partner feels suffocated and pulls back even more.
Both people are trying to meet their own needs, but they end up triggering each other’s deepest fears. The anxious partner fears abandonment. The avoidant partner fears engulfment. Without intervention, this cycle can become the defining pattern of the relationship.
How To Build More Secure Attachment In Your Relationship
Attachment styles are not fixed. With awareness and effort, you can develop what is called “earned secure attachment.” This means learning to regulate your nervous system, communicate more effectively, and build trust in yourself and your partner.
Recognize Your Patterns
The first step is noticing when your attachment style is activated. Do you feel panic when your partner does not text back quickly? Do you shut down when they try to talk about something vulnerable? Awareness creates space for choice.
Communicate Your Needs Without Blame
Instead of criticizing your partner for not meeting your needs, try sharing what is happening inside you. For example, “I feel anxious when I do not hear from you for a few hours. It would help me feel more secure if we could check in once during the day.”
Practice Self Soothing
If you have anxious attachment, learning to calm your nervous system without relying on your partner is essential. If you have avoidant attachment, learning to sit with discomfort instead of shutting down is key. Therapy can teach you these skills.
Repair Ruptures Quickly
All couples have moments of disconnection. What matters is how quickly you repair them. Apologize when needed. Reach out when you have withdrawn. Show your partner you are committed to working through hard moments together.
Seek Couples Therapy
Changing attachment patterns is hard to do alone. Couples therapy provides a safe space to explore your dynamics, understand each other’s triggers, and practice new ways of relating.
How Therapy Helps With Attachment Patterns
Therapy is not about assigning blame or labeling one person as the problem. It is about understanding how both partners’ attachment styles interact and learning to create a more secure dynamic together.
At Better Lives, Building Tribes, therapy for attachment and relationships might include:
- Exploring your attachment history. We look at how your early relationships with caregivers shaped your current patterns.
- Identifying triggers. We help you recognize what activates your anxious or avoidant responses so you can respond instead of react.
- Building emotional regulation skills. We teach you how to calm your nervous system when you feel flooded or overwhelmed.
- Improving communication. We help you express your needs clearly and listen to your partner without defensiveness.
- Creating rituals of connection. We help you build small, consistent practices that reinforce security in your relationship.
We offer virtual therapy for individuals and couples across Colorado, so you can access support from home without adding travel stress to an already tense dynamic.
What Secure Attachment Feels Like
You do not have to be perfectly secure to have a healthy relationship. But working toward more security can transform how you experience love. Secure attachment feels like:
- Trusting your partner without needing constant reassurance.
- Feeling comfortable expressing vulnerability and needs.
- Being able to give and receive support without feeling suffocated or abandoned.
- Navigating conflict without shutting down or escalating into panic.
- Maintaining your sense of self while also being deeply connected to your partner.
This is possible, even if it does not feel natural right now.
How Better Lives, Building Tribes Supports Attachment Healing
At Better Lives, Building Tribes, we specialize in attachment focused therapy for individuals and couples. We believe that healing happens in relationship, and that understanding your attachment style is the first step toward building the love you want.
When you work with us, you can expect:
- A warm, nonjudgmental space to explore your patterns.
- A therapist who understands attachment theory deeply and can help you make sense of your experience.
- Practical tools you can use right away to shift your patterns.
- A focus on building connection, not just solving problems.
Next Steps: Building Secure Love In Colorado
If you recognize yourself in these attachment patterns and want to build healthier, more secure relationships, therapy can help. You do not have to keep repeating the same cycles.
To start therapy for attachment and relationships with Better Lives, Building Tribes:
- Visit betterlivesbuildingtribes.com/ to learn more about our services and approach.
- Schedule a session with Dr. Meaghan Rice or another therapist on our team through the booking link on our site.
- Reach out via our contact form to ask questions or find out if we are a good fit for what you are navigating.
Secure attachment is possible. With support, you can learn to love and be loved in ways that feel safe, sustainable, and deeply fulfilling. We would be honored to walk alongside you.
